Usher

The NFL offseason is not really an offseason at all. While February through August is slower than when NFL games are played during the fall and winter months, the NFL never sleeps. The NFL churns out storylines year-round, and the offseason is an incubator for the wildest narratives because all of it is based upon hope and projection rather than results.

To recap, I assigned a theme song to each NFL team to accentuate the need-to-know offseason happenings so far.

Arizona Cardinals

Kendrick Lamar Feat. Rihanna — “LOYALTY.”

Once upon a time, in 2019, the Arizona Cardinals then-head coach Kliff Kingsbury said, “Josh is our guy,” and, thankfully, the irony is preserved in this tweet. He was speaking of Arizona’s 2018 first-round pick Josh Rosen. By April 2019, the Cardinals used the No. 1 overall pick to draft his replacement, Kyler Murray. Rosen was traded to Miami, and that was that.

The Cardinals found themselves in eerily familiar territory this offseason. Again, they publicly declared their commitment to Murray, but questions remained because they had the No. 4 overall pick, and this quarterback-heavy class presented the opportunity to reset the quarterback contract clock. But Arizona’s promise wasn’t empty this time, and they bolstered their loyalty to Murray by using the No. 4 overall pick on Marvin “Maserati Marv” Harrison Jr., who should immediately help to optimize the flashes Murray has shown up to this point.

Atlanta Falcons

Usher — “You Make Me Wanna…”

Unlike the Cardinals, the Atlanta Falcons remained loyal to Kirk Cousins for approximately 45 days before Michael Penix Jr. made them wanna start a new relationship with him. Atlanta signed Cousins — a 35-year-old rehabbing a torn Achilles — to a four-year, $180 million contract with $100 million guaranteed. All evidence pointed toward Atlanta settling down with Cousins and using the No. 8 overall pick to get an immediate impact player to help the team maximize this Cousins window. But while Cousins was parading around to Atlanta United FC and Braves games, the Falcons were flying across the country to Washington to get to know Penix. Head coach Raheem Morris and general manager Terry Fontenot insist that Cousins “is our quarterback,” but using the No. 8 overall pick on Penix as Cousins’ successor left an unsuspecting Cousins reportedly “a bit stunned.”

Baltimore Ravens

Dionne Warwick — “Déjà Vu”

The Baltimore Ravens ace every offseason. In 2023, it was extending two-time MVP quarterback Lamar Jackson when it seemed their relationship was irrevocable. This spring, despite losing 15 players in free agency (and defensive coordinator Mike Macdonald to the Seahawks), Baltimore remained true to who they’ve always been — signing Derrick Henry, retaining Justin Madubuike, and drafting cornerback Nate Wiggins. But every season, the Baltimore Ravens come up short. Last season was the closest the Ravens have come to returning to the Super Bowl since winning Super Bowl XLVII to cap the 2012 season, but their league-best 13-4 run came to a sputtering end with an uninspired performance against the Chiefs in the AFC Championship Game. How long will this cycle continue?

Buffalo Bills

Ryan Gosling — “I’m Just Ken”

The Buffalo Bills have an alien at quarterback, and it doesn’t matter. Josh Allen is No. 2 to Patrick Mahomes. The Bills threw everything at the wall, and it doesn’t matter what they do because they are No. 2 — or closer to third or fourth, if the Bengals and Ravens have a say — to the Chiefs. At any other time, perhaps the Bills would be a ten. But the past three years, Buffalo’s season ended in the Divisional Round, twice to the Chiefs. This offseason was the Bills’ reckoning. The first iteration of the Allen-led, Super Bowl-contending Bills perished, as Stefon Diggs was shipped out to Houston, and other core players like Tre’Davious White, Jordan Poyer, and Micah Hyde left. The Bills will be viable as long as Allen is under center, but the Bills’ short-term Super Bowl chances took a hit in 2024.

Carolina Panthers

Paramore — “Ain’t It Fun”

This time last year, Bryce Young was presumably riding the euphoria of having just been drafted as a Heisman-winning quarterback prospect out of Alabama after Carolina moved heaven and earth to trade into the No. 1 overall spot. Hope, however faint, surrounded a new Panthers regime. Then, head coach Frank Reich was fired 11 games into a heinous 2-15 campaign in 2023. This offseason, Young is firmly acclimated to the realities of the NFL, where quarterbacks have approximately five minutes to prove worthy before teams give up on them, especially a franchise owned by David Tepper. The Panthers attempted to support Young by adding wide receiver Diontae Johnson and offensive guard Robert Hunt in free agency, and then drafting wide receiver Xavier Legette (No. 32 overall) and running back Jonathan Brooks (No. 46). But the weight of the world remains on Young’s shoulders.

Chicago Bears

Prince — “Controversy”

Ahead of last week’s NFL Draft, sportswriter Dave Fleming appeared on Pablo Torre Finds Out and said, “I will tell you, he scares the sh*t out of a lot of NFL teams, too. The book on him is he’s just kind of a weird kid. One GM told me it’s like if Prince played quarterback.” The anonymous GM probably intended for that to be an insult, but it is unequivocally the coolest compliment imaginable.

Like Prince, Williams challenges stale convention. His uninhibited self-expression makes people uncomfortable. His personality is perceived as controversial. Before the Bears shipped Justin Fields to Pittsburgh, there was controversy within Chicago’s fandom as to whether the Bears should keep Fields or start over with Williams. Predictably, the Bears drafted Williams No. 1 overall, and Williams is set up for success — surrounded by talented skill players like D.J. Moore, Keenan Allen, Rome Odunze, D’Andre Swift, and Cole Kmet. The Bears have done everything right this offseason — really, the past two offseasons. But people will manufacture controversies around Williams, even when he surely becomes the first quarterback in Bears history to throw for 4,000 yards and 30 touchdowns.

Cincinnati Bengals

Kid Cudi — “Sky Might Fall”

The sky is threatening to fall in Cincinnati. Wide receiver Tee Higgins reportedly demanded a trade but will likely play 2024 on the franchise tag. Defensive end Trey Hendrickson also reportedly demanded a trade. The Bengals traded running back Joe Mixon to Houston and lost defensive tackle D.J. Reader to Detroit in free agency. Such is life after signing star quarterback Joe Burrow to a five-year, $275 million and preparing to make Ja’Marr Chase a top-paid receiver. The first phase of the Burrow-led Bengals is over, but if the sky is falling, nobody told Burrow, who said during a live New Heights event that the Bengals are “built to beat” the Chiefs.

Cleveland Browns

Olivia Rodrigo — “get him back!”

Publicly, the Browns will likely gush about how excited they are to get quarterback Deshaun Watson back after his season-ending shoulder surgery in 2023. Privately, I’m willing to bet there’s a group text full of Browns-adjacent people wishing they could plot revenge against everyone involved in 1) trading for and 2) shelling out a fully guaranteed five-year, $230 million contract to an embattled Watson in 2022. Watson’s time in Cleveland has been defined by an 11-game suspension, injuries, and putrid quarterback play. Watson is holding back an otherwise solid Browns roster, and the Browns can’t get him back for it until 2026.

Dallas Cowboys

The Weekend, Playboi Carti, and Madonna — “Popular”

Jerry Jones desperately wants to be popular. If presented with the choice between winning next year’s Super Bowl or securing eternal popularity, I’m convinced Jones, in his most honest moment, would choose the latter. Jones swore the Cowboys would be “all-in” with their approach to this offseason, but they have objectively been anything but. Dallas made six moves in free agency. Dallas does not appear close to extending quarterback Dak Prescott, pass-rusher Micah Parsons, or wide receiver CeeDee Lamb — setting Prescott up to be an unrestricted (in every sense of the word) free agent next year. But why handle any football business when Jones and, by extension, the Cowboys are in the relevancy business? For Jones, any offseason in which the media is regularly discussing the Cowboys is a successful offseason.

Denver Broncos

Alexander 23 — “Crash”

The Denver Broncos dumped Russell Wilson. And they didn’t just dump him. They decided it was worth $85 million in dead money just to get him to go away. In 2023, first-year Broncos head coach Sean Payton marginally improved Wilson’s performance. Payton developed a reputation as a quarterback guru as the head coach with the New Orleans Saints, and Wilson used to be a great quarterback before inexplicably becoming unrecognizable in the pocket. As Alexander 23 sings, “Apart we’re great, but together we suck / I’m sorry for the way it ended, but ending it, baby, not so much / ‘Cause me and you weren’t built to last / We were two fast cars on our way to crash.” And so, Bo Nix is set to be the 14th Broncos starting quarterback since Peyton Manning’s 2016 retirement.

Detroit Lions

Eminem — “Lose Yourself”

The Lions are in Eminem’s second verse of “Lose Yourself”: “This world is mine for the taking, make me king / As we move toward a new world order.” The lowly Lions are dead after winning their first playoff game in 32 years and narrowly missing a Super Bowl LVIII appearance. A well-earned target is affixed to the Lions’ back, and they aren’t going anywhere. They extended general manager Brad Holmes and head coach Dan Campbell, and they continued bolstering the roster, including an extension for Amon-Ra St. Brown. Detroit football fans are losing themselves in this long-awaited culmination, breaking the all-time attendance record at the 2024 NFL Draft.

Green Bay Packers

Lil Wayne — “Let The Beat Build”

One day, the terms of the Packers’ deal with the devil will be disclosed. It is the only explanation for 30 consecutive years of great (or solid, at least) quarterback play in Green Bay — Brett Favre funneling directly into Aaron Rodgers, funneling directly into Jordan Love. As Lil Wayne rapped, “They diminish, I replenish.” Green Bay epitomizes steady construction — letting the beat build, if you will — and the 2023 season was a microcosm of that identity.

In his first full season as a starter, Love, 25, started out shaky but slowly came into his own and showed as much promise as anyone while leading the Packers to a surprising playoff run. With an average age of 25.7 years, the Packers are the NFL’s youngest team and ahead of schedule yet right on time. Green Bay additionally prioritized youth this offseason by releasing running back Aaron Jones, 29, and in favor of signing Josh Jacobs, 26, as well as 24-year-old safety Xavier McKinney, in free agency. All-Pro offensive tackle David Bakhtiari, 32, was also released, and the Packers used the 25th overall pick on offensive lineman Jordan Morgan.

Houston Texans

SZA — “Snooze”

The Texans can’t snooze and miss this moment while emerging worldly quarterback C.J. Stroud is relatively cheap on his rookie contract. And they know it. Houston traded for Pro Bowl running back Joe Mixon and All-Pro receiver Stefon Diggs, and then bolstered the defense by signing Danielle Hunter and Denico Autry in free agency. After impressive rookie campaigns from Stroud and head coach DeMeco Ryans, Houston is positioned as a potent threat in the AFC.

Indianapolis Colts

Nine Days — “Absolutely (Story Of A Girl)”

This song is about one girl, but it applies to the Colts when divvied up between owner Jim Irsay and second-year quarterback Anthony Richardson. Irsay is a boisterous figure who seems to always be the subject of a headline that could have been generated by MadLibs. Presumably, Irsay’s presence places a strain on the franchise. It’s probably really stressful for general manager Chris Ballard or head coach Shane Steichen, but one smile from Richardson after an absurdly athletic touchdown, and everything feels better. The Colts’ 2024 and beyond depends on Richardson’s rehab from season-ending shoulder surgery, but you have to absolutely love the potential of this young core.

Jacksonville Jaguars

21 Savage — “a lot”

Credit where credit is due, Jacksonville was aggressive in response to fumbling away the AFC South and missing the playoffs entirely last season. The Jags signed the likes of defensive tackle Arik Armstead, wide receiver Gabe Davis, and center Mitch Morse in free agency, and then they extended Pro Bowl pass-rusher Josh Allen before drafting LSU receiver Brian Thomas Jr. at No. 23 overall. But…

How much money did the Jags spend in free agency? A lot. How many question marks remain in Jacksonville? A lot. How many people are doubting 2021 No. 1 overall pick Trevor Lawrence as a paradigm-shifting quarterback of the future? A lot.

Kansas City Chiefs

Taylor Swift — “Look What You Made Me Do”

Taylor Swift’s historically prolific discography is more or less exclusively licensed to the Chiefs due to her ongoing romance with Travis Kelce, so it would be negligent not to use it.

The league let the Chiefs become the first back-to-back Super Bowl champions in two decades despite rostering an oft-ridiculed wide receiver corps in a “down year.” (Or, quarterback Patrick Mahomes and a nasty defense snatched it, depending on your perspective.) The Chiefs had to go on the road during the playoffs for the first time in Mahomes’ career, and they internalized every ounce of doubt — real or perceived — and plowed to their third Super Bowl in five years (“I got smarter, I got harder in the nick of time / Honey, I rose up from the dead, I do it all the time”). Had the Chiefs not won Super Bowl LVIII, perhaps they let Chris Jones walk in free agency, but because an unprecedented three-peat and football immortality is now on the table, the Chiefs uncharacteristically made Jones the highest-paid defensive tackle with a five-year extension. And as if Kelce wasn’t already living the most charmed life imaginable, the Chiefs went ahead and made him the highest-paid tight end.

Las Vegas Raiders

Charli XCX — “Von Dutch”

In the week leading up to Super Bowl LVIII, Raiders star pass-rusher Maxx Crosby told Colin Cowherd that he was actually pulling for his in-division rival Chiefs to become the back-to-back champions because, even though he “hate[s] all the teams equally,” he wants the Raiders “to be the ones that take ’em down.” The following week, newly hired head coach Antonio Pierce joined Crosby’s podcast, The Rush, and repeatedly proclaimed his “hatred” for the Chiefs. Pierce shared his plan to institute “Patrick Mahomes rules” — a callback to the Detroit Pistons’ “Jordan Rules” — “as long as I’m here.” I imagine Mahomes and the Chiefs hearing all of this, hitting play on “Von Dutch,” and knowingly nodding along as Charli XCX sings, “It’s okay to just admit that you’re jealous of me / Yeah, I heard you talk about me, that’s the word on the street / You’re obsessin’, just confess it, put your hands up / It’s obvious, I’m your No. 1.”

Los Angeles Chargers

Tyler The Creator Feat. Playboi Carti & Charlie Wilson — “EARFQUAKE”

Tyler The Creator’s “EARFQUAKE” is about being “for real this time” because he “cannot fall short” again. It’s probably not far off from Justin Herbert’s inner monologue. Herbert has been put in positions to fail since he became their starter in 2020 — four head coaches, four offensive coordinators — but the Chargers hiring Jim Harbaugh is supposed to be different. For the past three-ish years, L.A. has been an offseason and preseason darling, but Harbaugh legitimizes Herbert and the Chargers as being for real this time.

Los Angeles Rams

Chris Brown — “Say Goodbye”

The Rams were never going to be ready for Aaron Donald, widely regarded as the most decorated defensive tackle ever, to say goodbye. But the day came on March 15 when Donald announced his retirement. The Rams will attempt to fill their Donald-sized hole with their first- and second-round picks Jared Verse and Braden Fiske.

Miami Dolphins

Dua Lipa — “Houdini”

To be fair, this song also suits the Cowboys, given the ambiguous contract situations with Dak Prescott, CeeDee Lamb, and Micah Parsons, but as is always the case when discussing the Cowboys, I couldn’t overlook Jerry Jones’ ego. Anyway, Miami is in a similar hell. This offseason, Miami felt the financial ramifications of spending big after acquiring Tyreek Hill in March 2022 to try and win within Tua Tagovailoa’s rookie contract window. Christian Wilkins, Robert Hunt, and Xavien Howard are among the starters they lost. Honestly, as a recovering commitment phobe, the Dolphins trigger me. Do you want to commit to Tua, or do you want to let him go? Are you going to live up to the hype before Hill’s contract expires, or are you going to continue to reinvent underachieving?

Minnesota Vikings

Beyoncé Feat. Miley Cyrus — “II Most Wanted”

At February’s NFL Combine, head coach Kevin O’Connell expressed there was a mutual interest in Cousins remaining the Vikings quarterback. But then, Cousins left for Atlanta in free agency, and the Vikings acquired an additional first-round draft pick — intending to trade up and get their future franchise quarterback. Cousins was grandfathered in as O’Connell’s quarterback when he took over as head coach in 2022, and it has been written all over O’Connell’s face how delighted he is to hand-pick his own ride-or-die (“Been a while since I haven’t tried to pull away / But it’s time for somethin’ new”). That is 21-year-old now-former Michigan quarterback J.J. McCarthy, whom Minnesota drafted at No. 10 overall. In Minnesota’s most idyllic projection, McCarthy and O’Connell (and Justin Jefferson) will ride together ’til the day they retire.

New England Patriots

Reneé Rapp — “I Hate Boston”

The end of a dynasty is always ugly. If reports are true, Patriots owner Robert Kraft has been doing the most to make Bill Belichick hate New England after they “mutually agreed” to end Belichick’s 24-year tenure as head coach. First, the Apple TV+ docuseries The Dynasty portrayed Kraft in a much more positive light than Belichick. Then, ESPN’s Don Van Natta Jr., Seth Wickersham, and Jeremy Fowler reported that Kraft actively dissuaded the Falcons from hiring Belichick as their next head coach. (Atlanta went with Raheem Morris, and Belichick did not get an NFL coaching job for 2024.) If that weren’t enough, Patriots safety Jabrill Peppers shared that Belichick-themed signs seem to have been removed from the team’s facility by the new regime led by rookie head coach Jerod Mayo. If the Patriots struggle as much as is projected in the coming years, Mayo and No. 3 overall pick Drake Maye might hate Boston, too.

New Orleans Saints

Destiny’s Child — “Bills, Bills, Bills”

The New Orleans Saints always owe someone money. No NFL team more frequently has chronically due bills because the Saints are constantly borrowing from the future and ignoring the concept of a salary cap. As such, the Saints remain in cap hell while hurtling toward oblivion.

New York Giants

Post Malone — “Circles”

The Giants are in a self-inflicted loop with quarterback Daniel Jones. Last March, they made the baffling and indefensible decision to give Jones a wholly unnecessary four-year, $160 million ($92 million guaranteed) contract. Jones only played six games last season for the dismal Giants, but the Giants can’t move on from him because of that contract. General manager Joe Schoen has expressed pretty lukewarm faith in Jones moving forward, but NFL Network’s Ian Rapoport reported that New York “made one last-ditch effort” to trade into the Patriots’ No. 3 overall pick in an effort to select Jones’ replacement.

New York Jets

Daniel Caesar — “Pain Is Inevitable”

Jets fans know that pain is inevitable. Jets fans know their beloved football team has needed “a lesson in mishap prevention” for the better part of 50 years. Aaron Rodgers was supposed to be the savior last offseason, but he lasted four snaps before rupturing his Achilles and missing the entire season. Forty-year-old Rodgers will return for 2024 — conspiracy theories, distracting rhetoric, and vice presidential rumors in tow — but the Jets’ solution to fix an older, injury-prone roster was to sign older, injury-prone free agents, such as wide receiver Mike Williams and offensive tackle Tyron Smith. The Jets had a surprisingly prudent draft, but it won’t matter. Because the Jets are the Jets, and Rodgers is preoccupied.

Philadelphia Eagles

The Kid Laroi — “What Just Happened”

The Philadelphia Eagles suffered a confounding unraveling to end the 2023 season, losing five of six to finish the regular season only to get embarrassed 32-9 by Tampa Bay in the Wild Card Round. All-Pro center Jason Kelce and All-Pro defensive tackle Fletcher Cox retired. Philadelphia began triage by choosing to forgo flirting with Bill Belichick and retaining Nick Sirianni as head coach. Sirianni hired new coordinators (Kellen Moore, Vic Fangio), and general manager Howie Roseman demonstrated his annual wizardry with big-time signings, such as running back Saquon Barkley, safety C.J. Gardner-Johnson, wide receiver DeVonta Smith, and wide receiver A.J. Brown. Then, Philly’s draft was targeted to address the defensive secondary, their most glaring weakness last season. It’s been a lot to process, and I don’t know if the Eagles crossed the line because I don’t even know what just happened.

Pittsburgh Steelers

Billie Eilish — “What Was I Made For?”

Russell Wilson is a shell of his Super Bowl-winning self. Wilson left the Seattle Seahawks for Denver in 2022 and proceeded to play himself out of the Hall Of Fame. He used to float, now he just falls down. Signing a one-year deal with Pittsburgh is probably Wilson’s final chance at resurrecting what’s left of his ability, and he will share the quarterback room with former Bears No. 1 pick Justin Fields, who is also trying to redirect his NFL trajectory. And looming over them will be the Steelers’ overarching identity crisis.

San Francisco 49ers

Justin Bieber — “At Least For Now”

At least for now, the 49ers are still Super Bowl favorites, despite losing to the Chiefs in the Super Bowl twice in the past five years. At least for now, head coach Kyle Shanahan gets the benefit of the doubt. At least for now, the 49ers don’t have to allocate substantial long-term money to “Mr. Irrelevant”-turned-MVP candidate Brock Purdy. At least for now, Deebo Samuel and Brandon Aiyuk are still in San Francisco, and the 49ers can avoid the disappointment of having to make tough decisions about their aging and expensive core in 2025. The only thing that could alleviate that disappointment would be absolving the persistent disappointment of not having won a Super Bowl in 30 years.

Seattle Seahawks

Tori Kelly Feat. Jon Bellion — “Young Gun”

This song goes out to Pete Carroll. At 72 years old, Carroll was the oldest head coach in the NFL. In January, he told the press that he planned to continue coaching the team. Shortly thereafter, Seattle swapped him out for “a young gun from another town,” the Ravens’ 36-year-old defensive coordinator Mike Macdonald, who is now the NFL’s youngest head coach. In a meager attempt to soften the blow, Seattle kept Carroll around as “an advisor.”

Tampa Bay Buccaneers

Migos Feat. Drake — “Walk It Talk It”

Tampa committed to 2018 No. 1 overall pick-turned-journeyman Baker Mayfield with a three-year, $100 million contract. Mayfield was known as a talker before arriving in Tampa last year, but he revived his career (and recaptured his swagger) through mature leadership. Meanwhile, nobody would have blamed superstar wide receiver Mike Evans if he wanted to explore free agency and sign with a team primed to contend for a Super Bowl, but he proved his commitment to spend his entire career with the Bucs by re-signing on a two-year deal. The Bucs have expertly maneuvered these bridge years post-Tom Brady — remaining in the mix rather than totally bottoming out.

Tennessee Titans

Kacey Musgraves — “Slow Burn”

Titans fans are going to need patience. Yes, Tennessee made free-agency splashes with L’Jarius Sneed, Calvin Ridley, and Tony Pollard, but first-year head coach Brian Callahan will need time to build out his program in the wake of Mike Vrabel. The Titans have been in “slow burn” territory regarding quarterback for quite awhile. Heading into 2024, it’s far from guaranteed that Will Levis is the guy at quarterback.

Washington Commanders

Liz Phair — “Why Can’t I?”

Washington took 20-plus prospects on a group date to Topgolf, but, as NFL reporter Tom Pelissero relayed on The Rich Eisen Show, “One of those four quarterbacks who visited for the Topgolf trip got picked up by [head coach] Dan Quinn, and the other ones took a shuttle bus to the hotel.” I enjoy envisioning an awkward group date during which reigning Heisman-winning LSU quarterback Jaden Daniels and Commanders brass locked eyes intermittently with an unspoken anticipation for their inevitable partnership, beginning with the No. 2 pick in the 2024 NFL Draft. Washington has butterflies for Daniels, who symbolizes the dawn of a hopeful future after finally breaking free from a toxic 24-year relationship with former owner Dan Snyder.