During a recent interview on the Big Facts podcast with Big Bank and DJ Scream, Kevin Gates told a story that he had never told before. The Baton Rouge-based rap veteran spoke about how he was prepared to take his own life in December 2020, writing out letters to his family and loved ones before a fan talked him out of it.
At the nine-minute mark of the interview, Gates started speaking about his suicidal thoughts in December 2020 at the time that he had deactivated his social media accounts.
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“December 10th through the 12th was the hardest for me [last] year,” said Gates. “I had put on Twitter, all my friends and all my family, I love you all, it’s over with. See, I don’t do the, ‘Man, I’m bout to kill myself!’ I don’t want no attention. I don’t do no horse-playing, that’s horse-playing. I was gon’– you know, the way of the samurai. Just smash myself because I was to the point I ain’t wanna live no more.”
Gates spoke about a video he posted from his daughter’s birthday party in Cabo, Mexico, holding her and rocking her because he sincerely thought it was the last time he would ever see her. Gates says his emotional trauma put a tremendous weight on his shoulders and he wasn’t feeling “celebrated” but it was a fan interaction at the gym that ended up saving his life.
“I wasn’t happy,” he said. “As men, when you a provider and you not feeling like you being celebrated in the proper manner, you feel like you only being tolerated… when I was in the streets I used to hate going home because I felt like I wasn’t welcome there. Y’all act like I’m just doing what I’m supposed to be doing.”
As for the fan that talked him out of hurting himself, Gates explained, “I had a raw letter that I wrote about everything. I was just saying, I don’t regret nobody I ever stepped on. If I did, your momma ain’t raise you right. I wrote about how I’ve been in love before and had my heart broken. How the first woman to ever break my heart was my mother, and the only woman to ever love me was my grandmother. After I did that, I went in the gym, worked out, took a shower, put all my jewelry on. I looked at myself in the mirror and said, ‘It’s time to stand on that business. Ain’t no more talking.’ So I was like, ‘Yeah, let’s go get it done.’
White boy walked up on me, kinda big, I see him in there a lot. He said, ‘Can I approach you?’ He like, ‘Man, your music the only thing that make this crazy world make sense.’ I was like, ‘Man, the world’s a cruel place. Trust me, I know.’ He was like, ‘Man, I was worried about you because you had disconnected your Instagram and your Twitter. The world needs you because your music done kept me from committing suicide so many times.’ I say, ‘Listen, I swear to God, right now I’m bout to go push my sh*t off. You the only one I’m telling.’ You know what that dude do? He cried and he grabbed me and he said, ‘If you do that, so many people gonna take their own life ’cause you all we got.’ This shows you how God works through people. I said, ‘You know what? I guess I’ll stick around a while.’”
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Gates’ interaction with the fan prompted him to give himself three days, traveling to Puerto Rico and realizing that there was more for him to accomplish in this life. Check out the vulnerable video below.