Lil Xan’s Never Felt Better: On Mac Miller, Sobriety & Emo Rap Legacy

Lil Xan’s career as a rapper has been filled with many ups and downs. His struggles with addiction and other mental health concerns have been publicly documented over the years. Yet Lil Xan has persevered, feels healthy, and most importantly, is ready to return to music.

This comeback is solidified with the drop of “NODA,” Xan’s first single in over a year. This may come as a surprise to many fans, as Xan’s whereabouts musically have been in question, especially due to the many false rumors circulating around his name. However, in this exclusive interview with Hot New Hip Hop, Lil Xan speaks on his mental health today, his journey to sobriety, and many other details surrounding his absence and decision to return to music now that he is in a better place. Check it out below.

This interview has been edited and condensed for clarity.

Lil Xan Interview

Hot New Hip Hop: Throughout 2018 and 2019, you had a number of announced projects that were ultimately never released. Can you speak to the events surrounding those scrapped projects and where you were mentally during that time?

Lil Xan: I always say to people, the cr*ziest year of my life was probably 2018. Just because of how much was going on and just where I was at in my career. It was kind of like, just a wild, cr*zy time. During that time, my mental state was horrible. I’m sure a lot of people could tell that were following on social media and all that, but I had planned a few projects that I really — you know?

I wanted to give the fans something and I think that’s where it stemmed from. But I was just so mentally unstable. I was physically unhealthy. That ultimately resulted in a lot of scrapped projects, which some things are reworked to be. I don’t know, just some things are just reworked and might see the light of day one day if fans want it possibly. But we have a new project coming in the next few months that’s consistent and it’s what I always wanted to give the fans. Just a consistent, good project that I feel shows off the evolution of sound. The fans, I just want to give them something new, something dope, something more mature. I hope that answers your question, I guess.

Read More: What Happened to Lil Xan?

So really, is anything from now that came from any of the stuff that you scrapped during that time, or did you leave that in the past, and now you’re moving on to new things?

Maybe I’ll put it out there to the fans if they want to hear some music, but obviously, I’d let them know that it was recorded years before obviously. If they want it, yeah, I’ll end up maybe dropping it on Soundcloud, something more lowkey. But, right now, this next single and this next project was done in like the last year, and it was done when I was in a good place. The best place I’ve ever been mentally I feel. The best place I’ve ever been in my sobriety as well. That’s why I wanted to take some time off, be sober, and make a project sober. That just speaks true to me.

You’ve mentioned before that Mac Miller played a huge role in your life as both a person and an artist. In what ways did Mac have the most influence on you, and how did his death influence your journey to sobriety?

The cr*zy thing about Mac is he unknowingly — millions of kids he’s affected. I mean millions of people he’s affected, obviously, in a positive way with his music. But, from 2009, man, his music has just helped me in every situation that I’ve been in in life.

Every time I would bump the newest Mac Miller project whether it was a mixtape like Macadelic, or a new album like Watching Movies, I felt like it described exactly what kind of hardships I was going through, even if I wasn’t on drugs at the time. I might’ve been younger. But, every time I found myself in a dark place, I felt like there was a Mac Miller lyric that just spoke to me. I’m sure millions of other kids had that same experience with him, his music is just so good. He was unknowingly that. He had a big part of my life before I would even meet him later in life. And obviously meeting him, I never expected that.

That was a far-fetched idea at the time, but my good friend Cole Bennett ended up directing a music video for Mac, Carnage, and I believe MadeinTYO, another good friend of mine. Cole was another big fan of his if you ask him. But Cole had asked me if I wanted to meet up at the shoot because he knew that I was a big f**king Mac Miller fan too. So, I was like, “Thank you so much bro, this is dope bro.” So, I took an Uber over there, I got to meet Mac for a little while.

I got to talk to him. I walked in kind of on a conversation that they were already having, but I still felt the knowledge, and he was talking about some real hard sh*t that I would later in life go through. And then, I wouldn’t say we ever became good friends or anything, but we were definitely friends.

He had invited me and my girlfriend at the time to his show, which would end up being his last show, at I believe, Hotel Cafe in Los Angeles. It was a great show, man. John Mayer was there. Cee-Lo Green, Jason Sedakis, Olivia Wilde — everyone from A-list movie stars to the biggest names in music were there, which really spoke to how loved he was in the music industry, and all types of industries. He was just a nice guy.

After the show was over — it was a great show, very small, intimate, only like a hundred people let in — I got to talk to him a little bit backstage. I don’t even remember what we talked about, but as I was saying goodbye to him, a lot of people know this, he had approached me and just told me two words. He said, “Be safe.” I was taken aback at the time because I had already said bye to him, so I was like, “Be safe,” oh, I get it. Maybe I looked that f*cked up that night, but that’s probably what it was, he was looking out. But those two words really spoke to me because a month later, he would pass away. Unfortunately, like the day after my birthday, as well.

It really put that thought in my head that I need to be safe. I need to be more careful. I wish I would’ve took his advice a little sooner because I would still go through some of my worst hardships past that. But I always kept that in the back of my mind. That, just, be safe, things are going to be okay, and it really is a powerful thing to me.

And especially to hear that from someone that played such a big role in your life and was so inspiring, I’m sure those words meant even more because of that.

I might have shed a tear bro. It was powerful.

Lil Xan shot by Stephen Garnett — Image via Stephen Garnett

You played a huge role in the development of the emo rap scene, a subgenre that I feel has greatly influenced much of mainstream Hip-Hop today. Do you feel you get the credit you deserve for your influence?

It’s funny when you search up, you can search up any artist, it’ll be, like, Lil Pump, Trippie Redd, you’ll get the “people also search for,” and I always pop up too and it’s like “emo rappers,” and I’m like, “oh sh*t, emo rappers.” Damn, that’s what I am. I never knew that, but obviously, I understand where that comes from. It’s like depressing, a lot of that music, a lot of that early Soundcloud stuff. Like me, Lil Peep, yeah, I definitely see that being the genre.

Do I feel like I get enough credit? Yeah, I do. I’m not going to sit here and be like, “I’m not getting enough credit, people don’t understand my genius.” No. I’m not like that. I think I was just part of a great thing. I think Soundcloud was just at its height back then and it was just such a unique and cool platform to showcase original talent. It reminded me a lot of punk rock, which inspired the whole XANARCHY kind of brand, like that whole punk rock stuff.

Yeah, I think it was a great, great time. I think I’m given my credit in certain places, but we’re still going, this is just the beginning, like that was the Soundcloud era, and we’re still going to keep pushing past that. It was good for its time, and as far as do I think it has influenced music? Yeah, I mean, people have been rapping about, I mean singing about, heartbreak since music was invented. It’s a very, very popular topic and for me, I spoke a lot of true experiences with bad break-ups, and so it was very authentic, and so that’s where I kind of leave it at that.

That was definitely an intense era and you were really at the heart of it at that time.

I would love to go back, bro. That’d be cool.

This year marks the 50th anniversary of the birth of Hip-Hop. Does this anniversary hold any significance to you?

I didn’t even know that until you brought that up. I love music, man, it’s going to be around forever, I think music is one of the most powerful, important things, and maybe that’s just me speaking as an artist. Music is just beautiful, man. You got all these different flavors, all these different genres, and new things to discover. Happy 50th birthday Hip-Hop, we’re going to be celebrating the 500th birthday one day. I’m happy for music, man.

Can you speak to your mental state at the time of your psychiatric hospitalization, as well as the online reaction to it, and how you overcame that?

There’s a lot of things in my past that I wish I could go back and maybe — obviously, not post a lot of stuff that’s private information. It was all part of the falling out. I wish I would’ve handled that a little bit differently. I wish I wouldn’t have taken to the internet to display raw emotion so quickly, but that’s just what I was used to. It was kind of a cry for help. I really did spend three days in the hospital on a 5150, that’s what they call it.

I’m not going to lie, I was on drugs at the time. Obviously, I was spiraling down. I had relapsed and I was watching all these terrible videos that had come out about me. I just didn’t know how to feel and I got in another dark, dark spot and I was like “Yo, I got to get help,” so I called the 5150 on myself in hopes that it would help in some way. And thank God I did because, after those three days, they only would let me out of the 5150 if I agreed to go straight into a detox, rehab program, or else they could keep me there for like 21 days. So I agreed. And that’s when I got sober. That’s when I went to the detox and I think it was like the fourth time being in detox, but yeah, that was the time.

I spent about thirty days in detox and then I went to the rehab program, but I only lasted like a week or two. And obviously, everybody expected me to relapse and fail because of leaving rehab, but I didn’t. I kept strong, and now we are like a year and six months I believe later, and I feel really good now. I wouldn’t even be attempting to drop a new single or even progress if I didn’t feel mentally in a good spot. I’m in the best place I’ve ever been in my life right now, but obviously there’s still a lot of room for growth.

Did you feel that that moment was really a turning point for you?

Yeah, there’s been a few turning points, but that one was definitely like the nail in the coffin. I was in the hospital. When you’re on that 5150 sh*t, someone is watching you constantly, but it was just so awkward. I was just sitting there with the dude just staring at me all night, I’m like “bro, I’m not going to hurt myself, I promise.” He’s like “I’ve heard that before.” It was a turning point. It was like, “aw man, look at me in the hospital for the hundredth f*cking time” due to some d*mb drug stuff, but that one was the final nail in the coffin.

But I commend you for that because that takes a lot of strength to do that, and to do that for yourself, to call it in on yourself. So, I really commend you for that.

Thank you, I appreciate that. Like I always tell people, if anybody is ever struggling, in a dark spot, whether it is mentally or with drugs, you have to want to change yourself. You are your own best friend and your own worst enemy. You have to want to get sober before you can get sober. Like, yeah, your friends can be like, “yo, we’re sending you to rehab,” or your parents can be like, “we’re sending you here and you’re going to get sober,” but if you don’t want to get sober, you’re just going to come back and start doing the same shenanigans that you were up to.

MADRID, SPAIN – MARCH 27: Lil Xan performs on stage at La Riviera on March 27, 2019 in Madrid, Spain. (Photo by Angel Manzano/Redferns)

Do you feel that it was a mistake to go on tour in 2022 with the Dropout Kings so soon after you reached sobriety in rehab? Also, how did you feel about their public comments directed towards you after you left the tour?

The thing about that was, I don’t know if I had just gotten sober, yeah I had. I had just gotten sober. It was a business issue. That’s what that stemmed from. There were no contracts and stuff like that. That was something that I didn’t even really see what was going on because I was trying to stay off social media. I was trying to stay off social media because at that time I was early on trying to get my mind better and it was the early days of my sobriety.

So, I know that they had some rude comments and some mean comments but I just want everyone to know, that didn’t stem from anything on my part, that was the new management. That was just a business issue. But, I wish them nothing but the best, honestly. I hold no ill will toward any of those guys, but it did come across as just a really f*cked up thing and people speculated it was low ticket sales, nah, it was literally just from a business incident. That’s what it stemmed from. And then the Dropout Kings, obviously had their own idea of what went wrong. But it’s all good, man. That’s just a little blip in the past at this point.

That was right after you went to Scott Storch’s rehab facility right? Was that around the same time?

Yeah, shoutout to Scott Storch. Shoutout to Steve Lobel. The Heavenly Center, THC. I don’t know if they invented that, the Cali Sober, I don’t know if they invented that, but you could smoke weed in their detox and rehab facilities. I thought that was very, very interesting, I was smoking weed before, but I’m a big pothead now. And I think it helped out a lot. I know a lot of people who practice medicine and stuff will say that’s literally the f*cking stupidest thing ever, and to a lot of that I agree too. That’s dope. But it works for certain people and it worked for me. Shoutout to them, man.

How do you respond to fans and critics that claim you are not dedicated enough to music? Do you feel this invalidates how much work you have put in to yourself over the last few years?

I’ve always had it with the critics. I think everyone is entitled to their own opinion. I would say that every artist contributes to the greater music broadness. What would I say to that? You know, obviously, I used to have it out for Anthony Fantano. But honestly, if I could tell Anthony Fantano, I’m a fan of him, bro. I might have said some d*mb sh*t in the past, but I like dude. I was just young and d*mb, I respect everybody’s critique and opinion.

Everybody is not supposed to like my stuff. I feel like we should all be building each other up rather than breaking each other down. It is what it is, man. People are going to always say I suck. Some people are always going to say I’m great. You’re never going to win them all, so as I get older, I’m almost 27, I’m finally reaching this level of, I feel like maturity, maybe not, I don’t know. I just feel more comfortable in my own skin. Maybe it’s just from all the harshness of the critics and the haters and stuff, but it’s built a lot of character and it’s made me a stronger person. I respect everybody. Everybody has their own opinion.

What’s next for Lil Xan musically?

We have NODA dropping this month, I believe June 30th. NODA, Not On Drugs Anymore, man. That’s a special song, man. Obviously a lot of people know I haven’t dropped a song in over a year, maybe even longer. The last one I believe was “Life Sucks”, I love that record too. This kind of follows in that same pattern of “Life Sucks”, the previous record. It just sounds more mature. You’ll definitely hear remnants of, “obviously, this is a Lil Xan song,” but ultimately, I wish I could’ve gave people this next project as my first project. Not saying I don’t like my first project, I love it, it’s a classic. I just wish I was where I am now back then. Obviously, that’s in the past, you can only go forward. I’m just excited to show people, let’s call it, a new level of maturity in my music.

I like that, too, because obviously, you can’t change the past, but to be able to show that you’ve grown from it, and do that through your music is really cool.

Yeah, exactly. I like that word, like “grown from it.” That’s exactly what this single, and not only this single but the project, it’s growth. I finally feel like I’ve grown into myself and I’m comfortable and that’s the best thing, man.

You have worked hard to promote anti-drug use on social media and have publicly documented your struggles with addiction and mental health, something many people are not brave enough to do. Do you want that to be the legacy you leave behind?

Yeah, I’m a very open person. I used to just let it all f*cking out there on the table, man. I still am that same person, but with better intentions. If something bad happens, I’m not going to freak out and go to Instagram, trust me. I’ve learned my lesson on posting sensitive stuff there. I don’t even know how to start thinking about my legacy when I feel still kind of so young. I feel like there is still so much to do.

What do I want to leave behind, man? My wild antics, or good music, or what people consider bad music, I don’t know, man. I think time will tell. I definitely want to leave this Earth feeling like I’ve helped enough people in their own personal battles. That’s just the most important thing to me. I just want to help people. Love me, hate me, whatever, like the music, don’t like the music, that’s fine, man. That is fine. I just want to place myself in places where I can help out. That’s all I’ve ever wanted to do and I know that’s probably not what people know me as because it was misconstrued because I was all high on live.

And you know, it’s funny, I laugh at a lot of that stuff, it’s pretty hilarious. That’s just not the person I am anymore and I want to show people that. I plan on showing people that through my music and most importantly through my actions.

The post Lil Xan’s Never Felt Better: On Mac Miller, Sobriety & Emo Rap Legacy appeared first on HotNewHipHop.